been struggling with my depression again. these posts are starting to become a bit of an outlet, honestly. it's good to process my feelings at the end of the day.
i'm constantly tired which is most likely a result of my new meds, and on top of that, they're not even working. i still feel utterly miserable and useless. would be so much better if i didn't exist sometimes.
i was thinking of buying a pack of cigs today. went to the store and was ready to ask for them but decided against it at the last moment. nearly 6 euros?? hell no, i don't make enough for that. besides, they smell and i am not boutta have my mom find out about my habits.
otherwise it's been hard. my depression is starting to affect my relationships again (as if it didn't before 💀) and i feel like crap because of that. i want stronger meds so bad but that would mean redoing my whole treatment plan and i do not have enough energy for that.
in general, today was not a good day. i struggle to find upsides in most days, but they at least have some sort of peaks. today was just a sad plain of misery.

had my first adult day. couldn't imagine that my classmates would even remember but they did. they got me cake and everything, even if i barely talk to them. i was so happy i almost cried. crazy that i'm being accepted somewhere. thinking about buying my first legal pack of cigarettes on monday, but i'm not too sure. cigs are expensive as hell these days and i make 5.70 an hour, minus taxes. speaking of work, my boss forgot it was my birthday. wouldn't mind otherwise, but she remembers everyone else's. oh well, i guess i can't expect everyone to remember. still, i'm happy that many of them did. i couldn't ever imagine that i'd have the chance to surround myself with such beautiful people, but apparently i did.

to say that i am not absolutely TERRIFIED of being an adult would be a lie. i am scared. very scared. after all, this is the end of one chapter and the start of a brand new one — one that i have no idea about. i don't know what my adult life is going to be like and quite frankly that spooks me. anything could happen, really, and i am absolutely not prepared for any of it. that is why i'm scared. i feel like i need to completely reinvent myself. like the adult me can be nothing like the kid me was. i don't really know who or what i am yet, but i guess i have my entire adulthood to figure that out.

also sucks that i can't get into museums for free anymore